Writing it out

DO YOU EVER HAVE THOSE MOMENTS WHERE YOU JUST HAVE SO MUCH ON YOUR MIND AND WRESTLING IN YOUR HEART.  THOSE MOMENTS WHERE YOU HAVE SO MUCH YOU WANT TO SAY BUT DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO SAY IT.  I FEEL LIKE THAT IS WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW.  THIS PAST WEEK WAS A WEEK OF ALOT OF INTROSPECTIVE THINKING FOR ME.  I AM NOT SURE WHY.  MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE SPENT MORE TIME ALONE THAT USUAL, OR MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE ACTUALLY TAKEN MORE TIME TO SPEND TIME WITH JESUS AND TO BE STILL.  I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE SAD THIS WEEK AS WELL.  NOT EXACTLY SURE WHY, WELL MAYBE I DO. I HAD MANY MOMENTS THIS WEEK WHERE I WAS LIKE WOW, I'M LIVING MY DREAM.  I AM LIVING IN NYC WHERE I ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE.  I LOVE MY JOB AND HAVE A PRETTY COOL LIFE.  THE THING IS MY DREAM OF LIVING IN THE CITY DOES NOT SATISFY ME.  IT DOES NOT SATISFY ME, JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS THINGS I WANTED IN LIFE DID NOT SATISFY.  EVEN THOUGH I KNOW CHRIST IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FILL ME I GET CAUGHT UP IN THE LIES THAT THIS WORLD TELLS YOU THAT ONCE YOU HAVE THIS......(FILL IN THE BLANK) YOU WILL BE HAPPY.  SO FOR ME ONCE I MOVED UP TO NYC THE LORD GAVE ME ANOTHER DESIRE.  HE GAVE ME THE DESIRE TO BE A WIFE.  I MEAN I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT I WANTED TO GET MARRIED ONE DAY, BUT IT JUST WAS NOT A BIG DEAL TO ME.  I WAS TOO FOCUSED ON WANTING TO LIVE IN A BIG CITY.  BUT THEN I GOT UP HERE AND I WAS LIVING THE LIFE, AND GOD JUST BEGAN TO KNOCK ON MY HEART WITH DIFFERENT DESIRES.  THROUGH THIS YEAR MY HEART HAS INCREASINGLY GROWN FOR MARRIAGE. I KNOW GOD HAS CALLED ME TO SINGLENESS RIGHT NOW, BUT MAN THIS CITY IS A LONELY PLACE WHEN YOU ARE DOING IT ALONE. I MEAN DON'T GET ME WRONG I HAVE TONS OF GREAT FRIENDS, BUT I AM READY FOR A COMPANION, A MAN OF GOD WHO WILL PUSH ME TOWARDS JESUS AND LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM.  SO I THINK WHAT MADE ME THINK ABOUT THIS ALOT THIS WEEK IS MY NEIGHBOR LOUIS.  LOUIS IS MY 90 YEAR OLD NEIGHBOR.  WE DON'T TALK MUCH, BUT I SEE HER EVERY SATURDAY MORNING WHEN SHE HANGS HER CLOTHES OUT ON OUR TERRACE.  WELL A COUPLE WEEKS AGO I WAS COOKING DINNER AND I LOOKED OUT MY WINOW AND SAW LOUIS.  LOUIS WAS SITTING AT HER SMALL KITCHEN TABLE PLAYING SOILITAIRE.  SO I STOOD AT MY WINDOW AND JUST WATCHED HER AND AS I WATCHED HER TEARS STARTED TO WELL IN MY EYES.  YOU KNOW WHY?  2 REASONS.  1)I WAS SAD FOR HER.  SHE LIVES ALL ALONE IN NYC AND I JUST FELT LONELY FOR HER.  I NEVER SEE HER WITH ANYBODY.  AND I WONDERED WHAT HER LIFE HAS BEEN LIKE.  HAS SHE EVER FALLEN IN LOVE?  DOES SHE HAVE ANY KIDS?  AND SO ON.  I MEAN I DON'T KNOW HER LIFE, BUT I JUST COULND'T HELP BUT ACHE FOR HER.   AND 2) I WAS SAD FOR MY SELF.  I LOVE MY LITTLE 2 SEATER CRATE AND BARREL TABLE THAT FITS PERFECTLY IN MY TINY KITCHEN, BUT ONE DAY I WANT TO REPLACE IT WITH A BIG TABLE THAT WILL SEAT ME, MY HUSBAND, AND OUR KIDS.  I JUST THOUGHT, WILL I EVER GET TO DO THAT? I DON'T WANT TO GROW OLD BY MYSELF.  I DON'T WANT TO SIT AT MY DINNER TABLE ALONE.  I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.  NOW I KNOW YOU ARE PROBABLY READING THIS AND JUST THINKING "BETHANY STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN"  AND MAYBE I AM, BUT THIS IS A REAL FEAR I HAVE. SINCE THAT NIGHT I HAVE LOOKED OUT MY WINDOW MANY TIMES AND SEEN LOUIS AT HER TABLE ALONE.  SO THEN IT JUST GOT ME THINKING ABOUT HOW I LIVE MY LIFE DISSATISFIED.  WHY CAN'T I JUST BE CONTENT WITH MY LIFE THE WAY IT IS?  WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE WANTING SOMETHING ELSE OR SOMETHING MORE?  I KNOW THAT GOD PLACES DESIRES ON OUR HEARTS AND THAT MARRIAGE IS NOT A BAD THING TO WANT, BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT GOD CALLS US TO BE CONTENT IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.  SO I AM FIGHTING THAT.  I AM FIGHTING TO PRAISE GOD AND REJOICE IN HIM EVEN IN THOSE MOMENTS WHERE I JUST FEEL SO TIRED OF LIVING LIFE ALONE.  I DO LOVE NYC AND HAVE HAD SO MANY COOL EXPERIENCES, BUT I JUST PRAY THAT ONE DAY SOMEONE WILL SHARE IN THOSE WITH  ME. AND THAT WE CAN MINISTER TOGETHER IN THIS CITY OR WHEREVER GOD CALLS US.  SO MY HEART HAS BEEN HEAVY FOR AWHILE WITH THIS.  I KNOW THAT I AM STILL YOUNG(WELL ACCORDING TO NEW YORKERS I AM, MAYBE NOT TO SOUTHERNERS) AND GOD IS THE WRITING MY STORY.   I THINK I AM JUST LEARNING ALOT ABOUT WAITING.  WAITING ON THE LORD, WAITING ON HIM TO ANSWER MY PRAYERS, WAITING ON HIS PLAN TO BE UNFOLDED. I KNOW THAT I WANT GOD'S WILL FOR MY LIFE.  IT MAY BE HIS WILL FOR ME TO LIVE MY LIFE SINGLE, I KNOW THAT AND I KNOW THAT HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR ME IF THAT IS WHAT HE CALLS ME TO.  I KNOW THAT I WANT TO LIVE PURPOSEFULLY FOR HIM RIGHT NOW IN THIS SEASON.  I TALKED TO A GIRL RECENTLY WHO TOLD ME THAT IF I WAS EVER GOING TO MEET SOMEONE IN THIS CITY AND GET MARRIED THEN I NEEDED TO LOWER MY STANDARDS, THAT I NEEDED TO COMPROMISE WHAT I WANTED AND MY CONVICTIONS.  THIS MADE ME REALLY SAD.  I MEAN LET'S BE HONEST, NYC IS NOT JUST SLAMMED FULL OF GODLY MEN.  THERE ARE TONS OF CUTE, SUCCESSFUL GUYS OUT THERE(LET'S BE HONEST ITS NYC, YOU SEEN THEM ON TV:)), BUT VERY FEW WHO ARE REALLY PURSUING CHRIST.  SO FOR A SMALL SECOND I PONDERED WHAT THIS GIRL SAID AND THOUGHT "MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT", BUT THEN I WAS LIKE WAIT A MINUTE.  IF I HAVE TO LOWER MY STANDARDS,  THEN MAYBE I DON'T WANT MARRIAGE.  I WANT GOD'S BEST FOR ME AND I KNOW THAT GOD'S BEST WOULD NOT BE FOLLOWING WHAT THAT GIRL SAID.  AND SO I PRAY.  I PRAY DAILY THAT GOD WOULD PROVIDE THE RIGHT MAN FOR ME.  A MAN WHO WILL MAKE ME LOVE JESUS MORE.  AND SO MY HEART HAS FELT HEAVY, BUT I LOVE THAT CHRIST HEARS ME.  HE LOVES ME AND HE KNOWS ME.  HE KNOWS WHAT I NEED AND KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR ME.  I LOVE THAT WHEN MY HEART IS HEAVY I CAN CAST MY CARES ON HIM BECAUSE HE CARES FOR ME!  I THINK MOVING TO NYC HAS INCREASED MY PRAYER LIFE, IT HAS INCREASED MY FAITH.  I HAVE MANY FRIENDS IN THIS CITY, YET SO RARELY SHARE WHAT IS GO ING ON DEEP INSIDE ME.  IT IS MUCH EASIER TO LAUGH WITH THEM AND TALK ABOUT WHAT'S ON THE SURFACE.  IT'S MUCH HARDER TO TALK ABOUT WHAT IS WEIGHING ON MY HEART, THE THINGS THAT BRING TEARS TO MY EYES WHEN I SIT ALONE BEFORE BED.  SO, WHAT DO I DO.....I BLOG. I HAVE WRITTEN IN MY JOURNAL ALOT LATELY. I LOVE WRITING MY PRAYERS OUT THE LORD AND JUST PROCESSING THROUGH MY THOUGHTS ON PAPER, BUT TONIGHT I JUST FELT LIKE BLOGGING.  I KNOW I HAVE SHARED MY HEART ON THE INTERNET, BUT OH WELL.  I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO HIDE.  THIS IS ME, THIS IS WHERE I AM.  MY SIDEBAR SAYS THAT THIS BLOG IS A GLIMPSE OF MY LIFE AS I SEEK TO LIVE LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME.   SO TONIGHT I AM SHARING A DEEPER GLIMPSE OF MY LIFE, A GLIMPSE OF MY HEART.  

I THINK I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER.  IT KIND OF FEELS NICE JUST TO WRITE. 

p.s. I have decided that I am going to try hard to get to know Louis, be her friend.  She does not really talk to others much, but I am praying for opportunities to get to know her and serve her.  

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary. and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles.  they shall run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40: 28-31