4 Years

It's funny how there are certain moments in life that will always stand out in your mind.  Those moments that have impacted you more than many other moments combined. The moments you will never forget.

One of those moments for me was the day I moved my life to NYC.  There are so many moments in that day that stand out to me.  The moment my sister walked in the door and surprised me to send me off to the airport.  The moment I ordered my last bowl of cheese grits as a southern resident.  The moment my dad hugged me good-bye and then followed me until he could no longer.  The moment I saw the NYC skyline for the first time and watched in wonder as i drank in the reality that this was my new home.
Today marks 4 years since those very vivid moments.  The moments that will forever change my life.

In some ways I am the same Bethany that boarded that plane, but in most ways I am a completely different person.  I've grown up here.  I've suffered here.  I've come into my own person here.  I often think about how my life is different now than those first days.  In some ways I wish it was more different.  I never thought this would be my story.  I never thought I would live in this city for 4 years, working the same job, leading the same fellowship group, and the list goes on, but then again it wasn't my story to write.

Every day I live here NYC feels more and more like home.  I do have those moments where I am walking through Time Square or running in Central Park and think to myself "I can't believe I live here", but for the most part it all feels so normal to me. When I travel out of the city I often have people ask me a lot of questions about life here or tell me how cool they think my life is.  The truth is though as much as it is "cool"  it's also really hard.  I have many moments where I still tear up because life can be hard here, people can be rude, the pace of the city can be completely overwhelming.  I have learned more and more each day that I am here the importance of clinging to my Heavenly Father.  To put my hope in him and trust him in this crazy ride of my life.

This year more than any other I have wondered what the Lord is up to.  In many ways this year has been more fun than any other years.  I've developed deeper relationships, fallen more in love with my fellowship group, traveled a lot, went on a mission's trip to Cape Town,  lived in a really great apt with amazing roommates, was a part of opening up Redeemer's first building, started a part-time photography business, and had one cool experience after another be a part of my life.  But then another piece of me has longed for the simplicity and stability that many people my age now have.  Even with amazing friendships, I have struggled more with loneliness than I ever have before or ever thought was possible.  I have been working through what my dreams and desires are and how does God wants me, Bethany, to be used in his Kingdom.  I have questioned where my passions are and do I even have any passions.  I have felt more forgotten by the Lord than ever before  I have lived under a cloud for a good portion of the year and have had many days of honestly feeling competely lost.  I have struggled many days with wondering if the Lord wants me in NYC or if there was another place that would be a better fit.  I have worked through (and continue to work through) all this during this last year.  But what I do know.....God has not forgotten me, God made me in his image and has a plan for my life, God is the same yesterday today and forever.  God knows me better than I know myself and knows what is best for me.  God holds my life in the palm of his hand.  He is doing life with me.  He has suffered for me so that I can do this life with Him.  He gets me.  He understands my pains and dissapointments and is ahead of me down each path that he leads.

And so today I began my 5th year on the island of Manhattan.  I can't say I would go back and re-do these 4 years, but I can say that I am incredibly thankful for the many blessings the Lord has lavished on me these past 4 years.  He has taken care of me each day and poured out his grace into my life in so many different ways.  I don't deserve the life I have.  I don't deserve a Heavenly Father who blesses me in the ways that he does.  He has been patient with me as I have struggled through so much this year.  He is at work in my life and I know there is still so much of the story to reveal.

As I began year 5 I do pray that my life would look differently than it does today.  I pray that I am in a different season and have more clarity of what the Lord wants for me.  I pray for His hand to work mightely and for me to see him ever present in my life.  I pray all this, but I also hold my life and my plans loosely.  Surrendering to him daily my life and asking for his ways to be done.  For Him to take me where He wants me and for me to live the life he calls me to. I don't know what that means or what that will look like, but I know He is with me.  With that promise I have peace.

Here's To Year 5.....