Another year

I have great intentions of blogging several times a week,. Life has been busy as always and just really full.  Full with people, full with work, full with emotions.  This week was my birthday and I'm going to be honest, I was not excited about it.  I know I should be grateful for another year of life.......and I am.  But then there is the other side of me that is honestly just really sad and disappointed right now.  I can try to pretend that I am not, but that does not really solve anything.  My life like many others can look pretty on the outside.  I know many people who read this blog think I have a really cool life.  And I do!  I definitely cannot say that living in NYC is boring.  But honestly I am struggling hard core to enjoy it right now.  I am struggling to have joy and I am struggling to be grateful.  I think with this birthday came grief.  Grief that this is where my life is and that it is not where I thought it would be, where I want to be.  I know all the right answers and theology.  I know that God is in control, that He loves me, that He ordained my steps before they came to be, that He has not forgotten me, and that He has a perfect plan for my life.  Deep down I know it, but you see sometimes it is hard to really believe it.  Really Really Hard!  So that is where I am.  I have been listening to a Passion song called "Lord, I need you"  over and over again.  Because I honestly I know that really I just need Jesus right now.  I don't need His gifts, I need Him.  Even that is hard to swallow, because I think If God would just give me what I wanted then I would be fine.  But I know that is not true!  Thankfully I serve a very patient God who loves me unconditionally.  He is patient with me and pursues me in my mess.  
I have been reading an Elisabeth Elliot book off and on for about a year.  I actually finished it awhile ago, but continue to pick it up on a regular basis and read my favorite chapters.  One of the first chapters in the book is titled "All my Desire is Before thee"  and the chapter ends with a poem that Elisabeth wrote while in college.  I have re-read this poem more times than I can count and more times than not tears come to my eyes when I read it.

"Perhaps some future day, Lord, Thy strong hand will lead me to the place where I must stand utterly alone.

Alone, O gracious lover, but for thee; I shall be satisfied if I can see Jesus only.

I do not know thy plan for years to come, My spirit finds in thee its perfect home, sufficiency. 

Lord, all my desire is before thee now, lead on, no matter where, no matter how - I trust thee."

This is my prayer.  There is so much richness and depth in these words.   

Thankful for Elisabeth's heart and words that have ministered to me so often over the last year.  

The internet is out at 9A (i'm blogging from Starbucks), but when we get it back I will update on the actual birthday and the celebrations that occurred!  I do have to say, that I am incredibly thankful for my NYC family!