It's ok to not be ok

I have spent a lot of time this week reading through my journal from last year, evaluating, and praying for 2012.  As I read through specifc prayers I prayed last year I was overcome with how the Lord has blessed so many people around me.  I am thankful for the rejoicing of people around me.  For the new relationships, engagements, marriages, babies, new jobs and just overall answered prayer of so many people who are close to me. It has been a sweet reminder that the Lord really does answer prayer in his timing.  He is a God who blesses his children with sweet gifts.  At the same time though, It has been difficult for me as I go before the Lord in wonder of what he has for me.  He has blessed me tremendously this year, yet I still feel like the specifc things I prayed for myself as I prayed for others is still unfulfilled. I want to be a friend who rejoices with those who rejoice, but I can't help but wonder if I will ever be the one who is being rejoiced over.  It is hard in the midst of so much rejoicing to not feel a smidge of forgotness and wonder of what the Lord is up to.
As I have had these thoughts this week I came across this blog post. This post hit home with me.  People always tell me that I am a very even-kill person (i guess you would call it that)  I have always been the steady one even when things feel hard.  Although I would say this is true, I was reminded over the last few weeks how hard it is to be honest with people.  When people ask you how you are, it is so natural to say, "good how are you"  When people ask me how I am or what is new for me, I often just jump to the easy and quick answer that I think people want to hear or is just easier for me.  The truth is though, it is not always an accurate answer.  I think I feel (like many people probaby do) that we are just supposed to be ok. I am scared to tell people how I really am, because I fear they won't understand or they will tell me to just "trust God" or worse  look at me funny and say nothing at all.  The post that I read in some ways felt like freedom to me.  It really is ok to not be ok.  I needed to read this, to hear this, to soak it in.
I was in a store recently where a lady (who I don't know) said something to me that in her eyes was very innocent, but to me it struck me like a knife.  My eyes immediately welled up with tears and I felt like having a crying meltdown right there. Her comment to me was a reminder of unfulfilled dreams, desires, fears I have, and a sense of hopelessness. Yet I didn't cry because I didn't felt like I could.  Now I know it's probably not appropriate to have crying meltdowns in stores, but I could have told the person I was with or called a friend and asked for prayer.  But instead I pulled myself together and tried to pretend nothing was bothering me at all.
I think this is one of the reasons why I like the show Grey's Anatomy.  I know there are so many morally wrong things in this show and it is probably not the best show on tv, BUT I will say they write people's emotions and relationshps really well.  They would not say this, but they potray a fallen world quite well.  They speak how they feel, they show emotions, they meltdown when life feels out of control.  They say in so many ways that it is ok to not be ok.  The characters on this show face the effects of a fallen world everyday and they deal with it in a way that many of us probably want to all the time.  I appreciate that and actually at times learn from these characters.  The one big difference though (besides that is actually not real life!) is that I have a savior, a redeemer.  I serve a God who is perfectly in control of everything that feels out of control!
As I put 3 of my favorite little girls to bed last night, Hannah looked up at me from her bed and said "bethany we can't go to bed yet, we haven't sung the Redeemer  song"  You see, I have sung "There is a Redeemer" with these sweet girls for the last 3 years every time I am over there and put them to bed.  I began singing this song with Hannah when she was a baby and now it is a tradition.  It is our song and she along with her sisters know all the words.  When we finished singing together I whispered to these little girls, "Aren't you so thankful we have a Redeemer because I am so thankful".  In the midst of feeling dissapointed, and wondering what the Lord has ordained for my life I know I have a Redeemer who is in my heart. He will complete the good work he has begun in me and he has promised to be faithful to me through the ups and downs of life. I want to cling to Him right now. I want to trust him. I want to learn to be ok with where I am right now and know how to live fully as His child in this season.  Praying for the Lord's grace, mercy, patience, and blessing as He leads me through this time.