Surrender

For the last 2 years I have picked a "theme" word for my year.  in 2010 it was Contentment and in 2011 it was Hope.  Although I have a long ways to go in understanding those words, I do believe the Lord has taught me so much and changed me in living out thse 2 important things
 As I have prayed and thought through what my word for this year should be, the word "Surrender" continues to come to my mind.  When I spoke at the PCA womens conference in October, they asked me the question "When do you think your joy in Christ is most visible"?  As I prayed through this answer, it basically boiled down to "When I am believing in the Lord's promises, trusting in Him, and surrendering my desires to Him b/c He surrendered his life for me"  I think about Jesus prayer in the Garden of Gethseme.  He didn't want to be crucified, but he surrendered to his father, saying "not my will but your will be done". He did it for the joy set before Him.   Because he surrendered to his father, eternal life is given.  That one simple yet incrdibly difficult act changed the course of this world forever.  Thankfully the greatest act of surrender was paid for me, yet because I was crucified with Christ my life is not my own.  When I gave my life to the Lord I immediately was saying my life is not about me anymore.  And so I handed it to Christ and said "not my will but your will be done".
Although I ultimately handed my life to God, I still have sticky fingers every single day.  I often say I have surrendered my desires, but really I am holding on begging God to give me what I want.  I know I will struggle with this for the rest of my life, but I really do want this to be a year where I learn deeply what it means to surrender.
I know deep down that when I surrender my day, my desires, my hopes to the Lord that he does give me joy.  That he does bless me and that ultimately I want his way more that my own.
As I was praying this word for my life last week I began to cry.  I struggle so much with the fact that this is not the life I thought I would have and not understanding why God made me the way he did, yet wrote this story line for my life. And I know that if I surrender I am letting go of the story line I wanted and had hoped.  I am not saying he hasn't written me (and continues to write) a better one for my life, but honestly for me and it is hard to see,understand, and make sense of it all.  In my tears I opened up God's word and this was the first passage that my eyes rested on, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways", declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my way higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" Isaiah 55:8-9.  I didn't plan on reading this passage or even look for it.  God just gave it to me, because he knew I needed it.  I really do believe these words to be true and want to pray them for my life.  I want to trust the God who created me and who has written my story.
And so my word for 2012 is surrender.  I want to lay my life at the foot of the cross and say as Laura Story beautifully wrote, "I open my hands trusting your plan to make something beautiful"  I know that a life with God is so much better than a life without Him.  As hard as it's going to be and as much as I am struggling with it, deep down I want what he wants.  Much of the time I think I often just wonder what that is.  So I pray and I surrender and continue to walk in faith and asking the Lord to have his way with me and write His story for my life!