faithlessness and hopelessness

I have been struggling a lot with faithlessness and hopelessness.  I think the more honest I am with God the more I realize how disappointed I have been in this season of my life.  It sounds awful I know.  God has been so good to me and I have a really great life...sooo much to be thankful for.  But I'm sinful and I doubt.  I sometimes doubt if God really knows my heart and if He really knows what my heart desires.  I know God can do all things, but I doubt if He will.  He can give good gifts, but will He give them to me?  That's where I am right now.  The subway ride from work tonight felt dark and lonely, so I stared out the window and kept thinking about how God could tell me right then how many hairs were on my head. He could.  I know He could.  So why do I doubt if He knows me? As I journaled today I prayed that the Lord would do with me what He wants in this season, but that I really would believe that He longs to give good things to his children.  And that whatever the Lord places before me in life I would see it as good because it is from Him.  It is what He has ordained for me.....and He ordained my days before one of them came to be.  He knew from the beginning that this is where I would be today and this is his best for me. I don't like how faithless and hopeless I have been, but I am learning that God does not need me.  He is still at work and He is not done with me yet.  I know He won't give up on me.  Tonight I specifically pray that I would look back on my blog one day and read these words and be able to see his faithfulness that has always been there. 

Verses I am claiming in this season:

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.  

Psalm 32:7-8

The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. Blessed are all those who wait for him Isaiah 30:18

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or imagine, according to the power at work within us. To him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever Amen.  Ephesians 3:20-21

Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18