The Enemy Within

The other day I was sitting across from my mentor sharing about something that's been going on in my life.  As I was telling her about this circumstance I told her that I was mad at the Lord for allowing it to happen.  It was in that moment that she leaned across the table and gently said to me "Bethany it's not God you need to be mad at, it's the person who sinned against you and it's ultimately Satan."  It's funny how her telling me that helped me make sense of so much of the last few weeks. In that moment so much realization came to me.  I know I should not blame God for sin.  God is perfect and took the place of my sin. But Satan.  Satan is a lion roaring ready to devour.  Sin is real and is alive and active in this world. And sin consumes my life.  YES I know I sin every day.  We all do (whether you know it or not) but really the last couple weeks I've let satan have a hay day with me.  I've let jealousy, comparison, anger, doubt, fear, anxiety, and self pity rule my heart.  I've let it consume me and I've let it rob my joy.  I've let it affect my relationships, my attitude, and my life in general.

I read The book "The Enemy Within" a few years ago and I remember it helped me make so much sense of the power of sin and satan. There is one paragraph that is so powerful "Let the sorrows of your savior on the cross move you. Imagine his cries and groans in your behalf, till your heart breaks. Daydream about how much love he showed you as he hung naked in your place. And see if the baits and lures of the flesh don't grow ugly and repulsive. Will you give your hours to fantasizing about and dwelling on and longing for the vile things that nailed the Lover of the Soul to the cursed tree? Fill your affections with the cross of Christ and there will be no room for sin."  I don't want to let the power of sin consume me. Satan knows what our vulnerable place are.  He knows where to attack and he loves it when he feels like he is winning.  I've let him lure me away these last few weeks in my mind and my heart.  But the thing is, the Lord is so much greater.  And ultimately I am his.  And so the other night when I was battling my my mind and my heart I cried out to the Lord to help me.  And in those moments I felt his peace.  I felt his presence over me and I was gently reminded once again that I am His. 

I've been thinking about that passage in 2 Corinthians that talks about taking our thoughts captive.  I feel like I need to memorize that verse and mediate on it right now.  When the battle of sin is raging war in my mind and heart I want to learn to take my thoughts captive.  To not let myself stay in the place where Satan wants me but to fight with everything in me.  To fill my mind with the word of God, to cry out to Him, and to let my community into the depths of my heart.  It's such a battle. We are at war in this world and somedays it feelsl like too much.  But I have to think on the cross. To think on what Jesus did for me.  That He took my sin and it no longer has ultimate power in my life.  Jesus is so much greater and one day He will defeat Satan once and for all.  One day I will not be in this battle.  One day my final breath will be breathed and I will live in perfect peace in a perfect place.  More and more I am ready for that day to come.  

But until then I am continung to learn how to fight in this war.  To fight off the ways of the evil one and to allow the Lord to be the one who rules on the throne of my heart.