When my plane took off from the runway at LGA I stared out over Manhattan with tears in my eyes when this song came on my music shuffle, I know Who goes before me I know Who stands behind The God of angel armies Is always by my side The One who reigns forever He is a Friend of mine The God of angel armies Is always by my side. I have listened to this song alot over the last few months, but I know that it was God who gave those words to me in that moment as I watched NYC grow distant from the sky. It's the truth from that song that I hold to each day. Every day when I start my day I read Isaiah 41:10 and I say the words to that song. "The God of angel armies is always by my side" I feel like I'm just feeding truth to myself each day to remind me that God has gone before, that He has called me here, that He will provide for me, that I have nothing to fear. As much I want to believe this truth and trust in it, It's hard!
I had a conversation with a lady last night who casually said to me when we were going through those first meeting introduction, "wow so your life must be really different here." In the moment I casually laughed and said yes, but it didn't take long for the tears to come. Tears of grief, sadness, loneliness, uncertainity,and hope were all part of the emotions. Because the thing is my life here is different. Everything is different. I went from commuting by foot and subway to buying car and driving everywhere, I went from living with lots of roommates to living alone, I went from having a strong group of friends to starting over with friends. I have a new job, a new team, a new boss, a new gym, a new bed, a new everything. I went from not being able to go anywhere without running in to someone I knew to going to a place where I know almost noone The thing is I know that everything I am feeling is normal and part of a big transition. It's a lot of "new" to take in on so many levels and I have to give myself grace to take it all in slowly and feel what I feel.
I'm reading this great book on transitions that one of friends gave me before leaving NYC and it's been really great to process through. He talks about how change is something physical (like moving furniture around, changing jobs, etc) but transition is really the meat behind the change. The transition is the psychological, emotional, spiritual that you walk through in a change. Although I'm only in the first chapters it has helped me process of some of this transition and to be ok with how I feel. It's ok that my capacity feels super small right now, my go-getter personality has needed to take break, that I'm more tired than usual, and that in so many ways I feel in culture shock. I'm learning that even though I'm from Alabama NYC really did become so engrained in me and made it's way into my heart. That is something that is just not going to go away in my first weeks away. NYC is a part of me and that will influence my life here.
In the meantime I'm learning to be patient with myself. To be ok with the quiet, to let myself spend more time reading, watching movies, and working out at the gym. I'm getting settled in my new home and learning how to drive again. I knew this was going to be a big move and in some ways it has actually been easier than I thought it would be, but in many ways it's just really hard. It's a hard that I know will get better. I am thankful for a God who knows more than me and can see before me, but has chosen this path for me. I don't doubt that God has me here and will use me here. He wrote the story for me and He's in it with me.
I know that this transition is only in the beginning stages and I'm sure I'll have much more to process and write, but for now these are my thoughts and my words.
Come back to see lots of pictures from my last weeks in NYC and maybe a few from my new life in the deep south.
"Fear not for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 42:16
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